A friend of mine is currently going through a tough time at work. A major project has been stalled out for months. He’s facing resistance from coworkers in other departments and his boss is putting a lot of pressure on him to start showing results. Already working hard, Alan has shifted into an even higher gear and is feeling stressed out and anxious.
Knowing that he faced another big deadline at the end of the week, I emailed Alan to ask how he was doing. He wrote back that his nose was raw from being pressed to the grindstone and, “I just want to get through the next two days and sleep on Saturday”.
As soon as I saw the words “get through” I knew Alan had the opportunity of a lifetime in front of him. And, that this was exactly the time when he would least want to do what he needed to, to take advantage of it.
Fortunately Alan is very familiar with the work I do as a personal development trainer, so when I gently pointed out that his crisis offered a pivotal opportunity for personal growth, he grumblingly (or was it out of desperation?) agreed to work with me in hopes of breaking through his current deadlock.
When your life is going smoothly, there’s no incentive to do things any differently. You continue to use the same strengths and the same coping or defense mechanisms. If a problem arises that you can’t resolve with your usual bag of tricks, your first response will be to use those same tricks at a more intense level. For example, if your strength has always been to work hard, you’ll work harder. If your strength lies in your intellect, you’ll lose sleep trying to figure out an answer. When your usual strengths or coping mechanisms fail to answer the problem, you eventually burn yourself out and feel drained, frustrated and angry.
It is exactly when you are at this lowest point that your greatest opportunity exists. When extreme challenges cause your usual success or coping mechanisms to collapse, you see a clear view of what’s behind those mechanisms: the old beliefs, habits and fears that are getting in your way.
As we worked together Alan began to see that his tendency to assume complete responsibility for getting the job done was actually working against him this time around. He did not trust others enough to delegate responsibilities or to ask for advice, nor was he good at adjusting his working style to better match the working style of his colleagues. At a deeper level, Alan also realized that his sense of self worth was completely dependent upon being successful in everything he undertook. Failure in any form was unacceptable. That fear kept him from considering unfamiliar (and seemingly risky) solutions, e.g., being willing to rely on the advice and support of others.
Alan is still in process of turning his project around so I am not going to give you the usual happy ending that comes with these types of stories. On the other hand, Alan has discovered he is much less stressed about the challenge he is facing, which in turn has left him more open to possible solutions. He has shifted how he approaches his coworkers and is slowly earning their trust and cooperation. He has brought his boss into the loop more, sharing both his progress and asking for advice in the areas where he is stuck. Importantly, he feels more resilient and confident in his ability to deal with this and any other challenges that might arise.
The next time you face a major breakdown in life look for ways to shift your focus from getting through it to breaking through into a higher level of personal effectiveness and resilience. Don’t deny the pain or emotions you may feel, but don’t wallow in them either. Look for the wisdom and growth that can be gained from your experience, knowing that this wisdom will benefit you and others throughout the rest of your life.
Beverly Sastri, MBA offers keynotes and workshops on how to LIVE like YOU MEAN it!™ and experience new levels of clarity, effectiveness, and resilience. Her LIVE like YOU MEAN it! personal training program (DVD, Audio CD and Workbook) will be released later this year. http://www.beverlysastri.com
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